Traditional

Zhao Mengfu was made a Scholar at the Hanlin Academy: that is, he became an important court official.

So he wrote to his wife a piece of doggerel along the lines of:

"Now that I have become an important court official
I will take a concubine
As many famous important court officials, as you know, have done before me.
Besides which you are on the wrong side of forty.
Hope you don't mind, old girl."

Lady Guan wrote back to him a fine lyric, along the lines of:

"Make two clay dolls, one of you and one of me, lying in bed together.

Then smash them.

Then knead the fragments in water to make clay again, and again make two clay dolls, one of me and one of you.

And so I will always be a part of you, and you a part of me."

Zhao Mengfu dropped his concubine scheme.

Foreboding

One thing was certain,

Cheam

I'm so glad I don't live in Cheam any more.

Winter Solstice

Missed it.

Drats.

Oeutres Turps Oueutres Meoures

In my day the folk singingy people used to stick to a reliable Cornish-Bristol sort of accent which anyone can do, so anyone can join in. And it's goodbye to arrrll you young ladies of Spairrn, for we're bound for the Rrrriooo Grrrrande. You know the sort of thing.

The stakes have been raised, now you have to offer a fruity and you'll-be-amused-by-its-pretentiousness Dublin and all the fun has gone out of it. I blame the Pogues. And the Chieftains. Too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-add-ity? A simple -addy will suffice, thank you.

Also the English have to be blamed for everything, including lack of sexual intercourse, persecution, the sending of criminals to Strine instead of hanging them &c &c (& as well deserved). I find this tiresome. O bogus Gael, the 'craic' you smoke from a pipe is brain-damaging enough.

Readers: Why the lack of posts? Have you died?

Self: No, I am in paid employment. 06:00 Awake! For Morning in the Bowl of Night!
21:00 Hooome to Hooove and bed. From Bexhill. M2F.
Weekends, coma and rooting out five clean shirts.
But - I am not ungrateful.

Readers: What has been th'biggest lifestoile change sints y'divoce? Two years ago.

Self: Then, I would spend my Saturday evenings silent upon a page in my Larousse Gastronomique.

Readers: Now?

Self: I have just fucked up opening a can of Prince's chopped pork and ham because the key went all wongly. Again.

The Ten Most Shit Singles Ever

#1 Black Lace - "Agadoo" (1984)



None of the fruit ever worked again. I made very sure of that with my meat cleaver. The pineapple was difficult because she still wanted to live.

#2 You were expecting The Tweets' "Birdie Song" (1981) or The Firm's "Star Trekkin'" (1987) or Joe Dolce and "Shaddap Your Face" (1981 again OMFG) or..?

..? I lost the will to carry on.

Wilson Keppel and Betty (again)

Sexual intercourse began
In Hull in nineteen sixty four
(I was six and had no idea)
Those who had been had, had hadn't
None had had been had before.

Sexual intercourse in Hull
Commenced in nineteen sixty three
(We won the war...
In nineteen sixty four
There was more.

Erm...

So you didn't buy your girlfriend a pack'o'five gentleman's underpants from Marks & Spencer as a pre-Christmas present and explain that they were roomy, flannel-bloomery, warm, high quality, long-lasting and basically the finest underpants in town and why she should give up on the pinchy flimsy pantie cutty knickery things and the point of that sort of hole at the front is...

...also book tokens are available from - well, they are available.

Readers: But you don't have a girlfriend. You don't even know any women. Or men. But women or girls especially, you have not even talked to one for three months or more.

Blogista: My advantage is I have several unused packs of underpants.