Strange

Snob.

I















...but that's enough about me.

Selling a russian-language artsy-voguesy hypheny-hypheny phoo phoo magazine in a box for £4.50 out of W H Smiths at Charing Cross Station is blackholeuarly way more fuck off than poor Jeremy Clarkson's pitiful doing puddles on your carpet. Using Cyrillic script as a marketing tool is... BUY THINGS YOU DON'T UNNERSTAN'

Which is hem hem th'zeitgeist innit no.

Yes I bought one but I know how to deal with substances. Also emanations - free tip here, if you are approached by an ectoplasm just hit it with your walking stick and watch it unfurl or snap back into the groin of the emanator. I have much wisdom but I can't afford to give everything away for free I am a poor man too, and if you won't pay for advice you won't act on it.

Whatever

Heat in the flat -
Stink of white spirit
We will hide at the station
Where nobody asks.

Pornography

It may not work.

November

I would have put a £10 on my card for the gas so I can warm myself. Also you need £10 on another card for the electricity to set fire to the gas.

They get you both ways.

Readers: Pity you drank it before you even got to the shop.

Self: Now I am cold.
wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

sorry, just scraping some poo off my "w" key.

Readers: How sure are you that sea-going pterodactyls were coloured the same way as gulls?

Self: One of them fuckers ate my gas card.

Us 51-Year-Old Alcoholics...

... do not give a shit about screamy white people who can't sing to save their ass and if Mr. S. Cowell wants to make money promoting them as screamy white people who could not and indeed do no (axtualllly that is rthe whole point S Cowell)
t sing to save their ass and everybody writhing in the lesbian snake-pit that is Radio 4 wants to promote them as girls who could or can or might sing to save their little tushies from the flames

I raise a glass to every body who has sailed around th'world all alone in tehrir yachy and who mhas then turned up on Desert island |Discs.

Pity about those screaming whiteys tho.

National Rail Enquiries - be there or be square.

National Rail Enquiries

There was I trying to look up a link on YouTube to a "Happy Song" but instead I clicked on the wrong thing on my bookmarks and got National Rail Enquiries instead.

Fire away, don't mind me.

Glad to have brought you this.

Oh No

The karaoke machine appears to have come from a far superior alien planet whose inhabitants are ahead of ours*** technichologhicallhy. We can only ask you to remain calm and listen alertly and yet humbly to their communications.

Listeners: Can't we go back to the sort of homely collation of 'facts' that Radio 4 is so good at presenting?

United Nations Emergency Talking Shop: Having a writerly lesbian present every single radio clip you've got about the moon landing stuff plus anything that has ever had the word 'moon' in it...

Listeners: Yes but now we've got a serial about radishes throughout human history presented by a person of a darker but not necessarily worse persuasion at 11:30 on Wednesdays with an omnibus edition at 10:00 on Sundays and then there's the Archers and Falloon might have or be about to fuck somebody or eat them and on television Sir Richard Atenbo is got some pics of one animal eating enothe and fucking it which is Nature and they eat each other specially the penquins and th'bears and radishes were a form of currency in Early Hirsute Turkey but by the Medieval Ages the radish became a "salmagundy" which is the sort of salad grown in Anglia...

Aliens: That's really badass seals eating th'penquins.

***Listeners: Isn't an "ours" a sort of bear, they eat salmon you know. And they're hairy.

Wretch

After dinner, drinkies and an evening of passion with your lovely Jamaican girlfriend do you:

a) wait until she falls asleep, drink a bottle of Famous Grouse in the kitchen with the lights out; wish that the local offie was open all night so you could buy another bottle of Famous Grouse; greet the dawn with bogus enthusiasm when she awakes,

or

b) not a).



If you answered mostly a) you may well be a Wretch.

What the Fuck?

Readers: What the fuck.

Hostess Trolley: Move along now please. Nothing to see here etc move along now.

Readers: I wouldn't be surprised if you were to reveal your Infallible World Domination Plan in the post after this one.

Blogfeld: Less of the Infallible, please. It might not work.

Readers:

BlogJamesBlog: Either way you won't feel a thing.

You Wanted to Vote for Something?

Enjoy your "voting experience".

"Journey", obviously I meant "journey".

Anyone can have an "experience".