Saturday, 23 May 2009

Immaculate Kitchen Surfaces

Moving from one place somewhere to another somewhere else, eh?

The only way to do this, in my experience, is to get as drunk as possible provided you can still carry bin bags from Point A (flat) to Point B (bins).

Don't worry about the swarms of insects impeding your path: they are either an hallucination, or a problem which the next occupant will have to live with.

Take some time to reflect upon the monstrous amounts of garbage that have accumulated during your occupancy.

Throw away the cards from family and friends you got when you were fifty - you were only fifty once!

Ignore the foreign language students who are having a party next door and who are younger and happier then you are.

'Part from that, remember to turn up where you are supposed to be tomorrow morning. You only have to "drag th'bag" once. For a while.

Friday, 22 May 2009

Normal Service

Thanks to the incompetence of my telephoon supplier I will be without an internet connection for the next three weeks.

Norman service will be resumed as late as possible, if ever.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Blue Lotion

Hi Everyone,

I am given a spray bottle with blue liquid in it to use for cleaning purposes. If the table top is dirty I spray the blue liquid on it and then wipe it off. Now I am out of the blue liquid, how do you I request for more? Do I say (1) I need more "blue liquid"?; (2) I need more spray blue liquid?; (3) I need more blue liquid cleaner? I pick choice number 3, what do you think? Thanks in advance.

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

In th'Stone Age (Early)

Æ®iç: I am a sausage.

ÐåãðøÞ: Wha?

Æ®iç: I walk upon one leg in the morning, upon one leg in the afternoon and upon one leg in the evening. What am I.

ÐåãðøÞ: A sausage?


ÐåãðøÞ: Great concept, but this "riddle" thing of yours needs a bit of tiddlying up.

Saturday, 16 May 2009

Legend of the Wholly Drinker

Lose the "W"
And one of the "L"s
For "Drinker" read "Fool"
And my fourth is in

Readers: Your fourth?

Blottista: I never really understood how this parlour game works, which is maybe the point of parlour games.

Readers: Simple! - and we don't mean you of course.
Try this one ---

My first is in Constantinople but not in Reykjavik;
My second is loading my pistol with ball;
My third is better theen but not third;
And my whole is a doughnut without a synthetic custard or jam filling.
What am I?

Mine Host: Is the jam filling synthetic too?

Readers: Tee hee hee. He can't even get the punctuation right.

Blister: Hokay, my turn...

My first is in feeble but not in demented,
My second's surrendered but hasn't relented,
My third is my hat but it's not in my hut
And my all would be all if it only were not.
What am I?

Friday, 15 May 2009

Very Funny

Mr Suicide the bathplug. Perhaps not the exact model some semi-sentient Minister of State or other claimed for on th'Expensives, but it is a bathplug all the same. And what of it?

Take the worst totally outrageously expensively-claimey OUTRAGEOUS amount of money claimed on expenses by an MP for something hatefully bourgeouis like a patio heater, a fitted kitchen (with just to add to the fear and loathing POLISHED ITALIAN GRANITE WORKING SURFACES)... I want you to keep thinking of that number, k?

Now move the decimal point one place to the right.

At this moment 99.9recurring% of my potential readers (not my 1/2 doz. actual readers, who are supremely intelligent, I mean the British population at large) are fucked. Either they don't know what I am talking about or they have no idea how much 10x a number they didn't comprehend in the first place, actually is.

Or how it compares to the broad and placid river of EU peculation, or to the costo-benefito of building a lorra lorra luvly windmills (don't even try to mention th'megawatty stuff here) or to anything else at all. Or whether it matters or how things should be done or...

Give me your dopes, your dupes
Your huddled morons yearning to be heard,
The wretched refuse of your teeming fools...

If only the Ruritanians had accidentally carved that on a statue in 1886, or five years ago for that matter...

60000000th cretin: Hey, last person to leave Britain turn out the lights hur hur.
Readers: Yeah yeah a great and original jest, have fun in Ruritania, won't you.
Devil's Kitchen, Guido etc: Look, I fucking said that joke before you did you bastards.

What will this mindless petulance about MPs' expenses actually achieve or change, that matters a lot?


Now, concentrate on the decimal point...

Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Ask the Hedgehog

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
What is an easily available and reasonably effective oven cleaner?

Hedgehog: You could do worse than a can of Mr. Muscle.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Would combining Domestos, Harpic and Cilit Bang one bottle each totally get fuzz off of the bath? And limescale out of the lavatory pan? That's six bottles.

Hedgehog: You may only ask one question at a time on these forums. But I point out that this is a dangerous thing to do because of the chlorinous gases that would be created by such a combination of cleaning agents. Keep a window open.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Would it be a good plan to remove all my moveables before dusting, and then hoover? But then how do I get my hoover out (red Kenwood bagless 1600w).

Hedgehog: That is a fine bagless vacuum cleaner for the nøøb or "aspiring semi-pro", may I say. Yes, once your moveable property has been removed, you can dust all relevant surfaces and then dispose of the duster. And then hoover all surfaces onto which the dust has fallen. That achieved, it only remains to have at hand a suitcase which is larger than your hoover, so that you can fit your hoover into the suitcase. Remember that the snorkelly attachments are bigger than you think. Alternatively you can simply abandon the suitcase and travel by rail or aeroplane with your hoover in hand, but be careful about the sentimental bondings which may occur, including upskirts.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
What is the Russian for "vacuum cleaner"?

Hedgehog: пылесос, literally "suckdust". One might extrapolate from this the entirely bogus verb пылесосировать. It is clearly an "аппарат для очистки от пыли помещений, одежды, мебели и т.п. посредством всасывания ее струей воздуха". And yet one might as well say гувер or xувер: guver or khuver. What you will.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Do cleaning products have a part in the olden-times Lays, Ballads, Eddas, Folk Myths, Legends, Songs and Tales of Yore..? I'm talking «comparative» here.

Hedgehog: I am only a hedgehog. I cannot and will not answer this question about cleaning products and /or or mechanisms.

Monday, 11 May 2009


1) Trouser it.

2) Remember you have a clientèle.

3a) Squander it on your clientèle, who will trouser it.
3b) Squander it. You can't ever have enough clients.

4) There is no such thing as getting caught.


Sunday, 10 May 2009

My Real Name

My real name is Oliphant Oliphant Oliphant.

Any jokes about the missionary recently come back from Africa having had his membrum virile magically transformed to the the size and flexibility of an elephant's trunk and having to explain at a Christian Ladies' tea party that it isn't so much that it's stealing all the buns but where it's putting them etc are unwelcome.

Much as I loathe Prof. Fraud and all his works... gotta admit that all male humour from age 5 to about 50 or so seems to be about unfeasibly (and a tip of th'tiplo hat to Viz magazine for one of the few useable 'buzz'words to have come out of the last two centuries or so*) unfeasibly large and/or prehensile penises.

* as a special birthday tribute to Viz magazine, one for their regular "Up The Arse" journalistic photo-feature.

Friday, 8 May 2009

Treasury Adds 10000000000000000000 or more to the Money

In a surprise move yesterday, a consultant at the Her Majesty's Treasury was instructed to put his finger on the "zero" button of his computer and to hold it there until further notice.

Somebody told me to do this and then he ran way and hid in the cupboard, said the consultant today.

I'm not really a consultant anyway, just a temp, if you want to know why I'm doing this ask the man in the cupboard.

Not a Duck

: Is this one of your interminable "ceci n'est pas une pipe"-type japes?

Blogista: I can assure you that it is not.

Readers: Given that you are not very good at "ceci n'est pas une pipe" japes anyway.

Blogista: Whattya mean, "not very good"?

Readers: K so you press th' button on th'duck and it does something. Bet yours doesn't work.

Blogista: There are two buttons on the duck.

Readers: The same is true of both.

Blogista: I don't know what point you are trying to make, but you have really upset the duck. I don't care what you do to me, but leave the duck alone. Have a heart.

Readers: K the duck gets to live.

The Atheist Militant...

...alone on a vast and empty battlefield, wielding his razor and shouting "Well then come and get me you bastards."

Prof Sir Spit Or Swallow Dawkins did once upon a televisionary programme try to tear a second arsehole into the entirely harmless Mr Russell Grant Purveiour of Horoscopoes.

Mr Grant might have said "Fuck off you're just another DNA replicator" but he didn't. Or a simple and decorous "Fuck off " would have sufficed.

Do any of my readers feel that the phrase "to tear sb another (or it may be "a second") arsehole" is neither translatable into French nor surgically feasible*? Answers only from notyetstruckoff proctologists and/or native French-speakers, please.

* rulez: no plastic tubes valves bypasses bags or other honky-tonk allowed: it has to be a functioning second arsehole w/structural considerations considered. Responses in Tibetan, Swahili &c will not be considered.

Readers (suspicious): Lot of considering going on here.

Panelista (or pohaps Boardista but certainly not some lone and therefore suspect Blogista): Yes indeedy. For what can exist in this world except that it has been considered by a Panel or Board on your behalf or in exceptional circumstances by a Committee of Enquiry?

Readers: What Panel (or Board) would that be, then?

Blogista: Why the Panel (or Board ) of ,or perhaps for, Arseholes.

Readers: I'd go for "for", otherwise it will only sound ridiculous.


Readers: Did you say Enquiry?

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

What Are Cro-Magnons For We Ask

K 4 4 u ---

1) After 40000 years we have created a cartoon singing hippo and a cartoon dog that has some smoov moovs #### lk @ is bom.


3) "Cro-Magnon", wtf does that mean? I could be "Cro-Modern" or maybe "ironically post-Magnon"?

4) The Neanderthals never achieved this because they sucked. And died. And in the morning you're just another hit'n'run.

Linky here. Or just search on YouTube for "Singing Hippo", and don't ask me why I did.

5) Wallace'n'Gromit rip-offs but with defective lip-synch. And there was I saying there were only 4).


Alien #6044: /this just in/

Alien Supreme Commander: /why you risk death by show spam/

Alien #541: /spam negative: recover from puny interstellar craft/

Alien Supreme Commander: /hm right upper appendage on left entity appear larger than brainsprout and left upper appendage/

Alien #666: /report: appear to be artefacts of poor engraving technique/

Alien Supreme Commander: /also: to left entity inconsequential organ of geniture/

Alien #7: /and to right entity unaccountably shaven pussy: as reconstitutes will be like performing cunnilingus upon shoebrush/

Alien Supreme Commander: /negative artefacts of poor engraving technique: positive contempt of species for urgent communications regarding increased penis size, hairy milfs &c , also they never got in touch with my Uncle Rastus in Nigeria about the $250,000,000 he needed to ship out of there using one of their bank accounts/

Alien #1001: /observe exaggerated trapezius: species unable to wear collar and tie/

All Aliens: /ewwwwww/

Monday, 4 May 2009

Theory of Evolution

"Without those new Cambrian genes, we might still be like the lancelets, our tiny brainless heads still swaying in the tides."*





Readers: New Cambrian genes. Lucky old us, eh.

* "evolution", Carl Zimmer, Arrow Books 2003.
Readers: Wha?
Blogista: Page 147.
Blogista: Page 147 end of paragraph 3.
Blogista Nooo about 20 mm lower than that. See?

Sunday, 3 May 2009

Ballade des dames de temps jadis

Dictes moy ou, n'en quel pays,
Est Flora la belle Rommaine,
Archipiades ne Thaïs,
Qui fut sa cousine germaine,
Echo parlant quant bruyt on maine
Dessus riviere ou sus estan,
Qui beaulté ot trop plus q'humaine.
Mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?

Ou est la tres sage Helloïs,
Pour qui chastré fut et puis moyne
Pierre Esbaillart a Saint Denis?
Pour son amour ot ceste essoyne.
Semblablement, ou est la royne
Qui commanda que Buridan
Fust geté en ung sac en Saine?
Mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?

La royne Blanche comme lis
Qui chantoit a voix de seraine,
Berte au grand pié, Beatris, Alis,
Haremburgis qui tint le Maine,
Et Jehanne la bonne Lorraine
Qu'Englois brulerent a Rouan;
Ou sont ilz, ou, Vierge souvraine?
Mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?

Prince, n'enquerez de sepmaine
Ou elles sont, ne de cest an,
Qu'a ce reffrain ne vous remaine:
Mais ou sont les neiges d'antan?

Francois Villon 1461-ish

Saturday, 2 May 2009

The Hound of the Whatever

Watson: Holmes, you got writing all over your hat.

Holmes: Writing?

Watson: Yes... SELLIVREKSAB eht fo dnouH ehT... what on earth can that mean?

Holmes: Would your real name be... Eel?

Watson: Yes, I admit. Real name Eel. Am native by Latvia.

Holmes: Then we are about to be pounced upon, Watson, by an extraordinarily small lion. I will keep my hat on. You will have to fend for yourself.

Dead Cat Bounce