One thing was certain,
Sunday, 28 December 2008
Tuesday, 23 December 2008
Monday, 22 December 2008
Oeutres Turps Oueutres Meoures
In my day the folk singingy people used to stick to a reliable Cornish-Bristol sort of accent which anyone can do, so anyone can join in. And it's goodbye to arrrll you young ladies of Spairrn, for we're bound for the Rrrriooo Grrrrande. You know the sort of thing.
The stakes have been raised, now you have to offer a fruity and you'll-be-amused-by-its-pretentiousness Dublin and all the fun has gone out of it. I blame the Pogues. And the Chieftains. Too-ra-li-oo-ra-li-add-ity? A simple -addy will suffice, thank you.
Also the English have to be blamed for everything, including lack of sexual intercourse, persecution, the sending of criminals to Strine instead of hanging them &c &c (& as well deserved). I find this tiresome. O bogus Gael, the 'craic' you smoke from a pipe is brain-damaging enough.
Readers: Why the lack of posts? Have you died?
Self: No, I am in paid employment. 06:00 Awake! For Morning in the Bowl of Night!
21:00 Hooome to Hooove and bed. From Bexhill. M2F.
Weekends, coma and rooting out five clean shirts.
But - I am not ungrateful.
Readers: What has been th'biggest lifestoile change sints y'divoce? Two years ago.
Self: Then, I would spend my Saturday evenings silent upon a page in my Larousse Gastronomique.
Readers: Now?
Self: I have just fucked up opening a can of Prince's chopped pork and ham because the key went all wongly. Again.
Friday, 28 November 2008
The Ten Most Shit Singles Ever
#1 Black Lace - "Agadoo" (1984)
None of the fruit ever worked again. I made very sure of that with my meat cleaver. The pineapple was difficult because she still wanted to live.
#2 You were expecting The Tweets' "Birdie Song" (1981) or The Firm's "Star Trekkin'" (1987) or Joe Dolce and "Shaddap Your Face" (1981 again OMFG) or..?
..? I lost the will to carry on.
None of the fruit ever worked again. I made very sure of that with my meat cleaver. The pineapple was difficult because she still wanted to live.
#2 You were expecting The Tweets' "Birdie Song" (1981) or The Firm's "Star Trekkin'" (1987) or Joe Dolce and "Shaddap Your Face" (1981 again OMFG) or..?
..? I lost the will to carry on.
Wilson Keppel and Betty (again)
Sexual intercourse began
In Hull in nineteen sixty four
(I was six and had no idea)
Those who had been had, had hadn't
None had had been had before.
Sexual intercourse in Hull
Commenced in nineteen sixty three
(We won the war...
In nineteen sixty four
There was more.
Erm...
So you didn't buy your girlfriend a pack'o'five gentleman's underpants from Marks & Spencer as a pre-Christmas present and explain that they were roomy, flannel-bloomery, warm, high quality, long-lasting and basically the finest underpants in town and why she should give up on the pinchy flimsy pantie cutty knickery things and the point of that sort of hole at the front is...
...also book tokens are available from - well, they are available.
Readers: But you don't have a girlfriend. You don't even know any women. Or men. But women or girls especially, you have not even talked to one for three months or more.
Blogista: My advantage is I have several unused packs of underpants.
Monday, 24 November 2008
It's Down to th'Wire - Noooooooooooo CHAIR!!!!
Here's a bit of a competition fo' y'all.
Readers: Woo-woo! What are th'prizes?
Prizes? Were you born yesterday or what.
Anyhows, the point of this here Competition is to decide who done the best "Green Green Grass of Home".
#1~ Could it be ~ your starter for 10 ~ George Jones --- or Jerry Lee Lewis?
Hokay. If you picked Jerry Lee Lewis then your concept of a "musical instrument" must be pohaps a lift (American: elevator) or a mall (British: shopping centre). Clue: neither of these are a musical instrument. Well they weren't in my day.
Couple of textual subtleties before I feed you the raw meat...
"The old home place is still standing though the paint is cracked and dry" - but maybe only in the protagonist's imagination? Discuss.
"For there's a guard and there's a sad old padre with arm in arm will walk |at daybreak" - you were wanting to hear "|beside me" to rhyme with "padre"? Deny.
On with the Competition...
#2~ Great guitar-picker, but where is Chet Atkins going with this?
#3 Porter Waggoner - love the mellophones or whatever they are:
#4 Boris Godunov (no, not that Борис Годунов) and his "set old badre", and then the Sov U went and folded and all. Shit.
#5 Elvis. Wellll... bit like Frank Sinatra singing "Diamond Dogs" but there y'go.
Let's take a quick break from this exciting competition to consider a few Facts:
1) Soup does not figure in any ancient text or mythology, and it was not a factor in the Renaissance: it is largely a modern or post-industrial concept.
2) The bite of Conscience, or 'agenbite of inwit' -as imagined by some Medieval thinkers - has proved not to be a 'bite' at all - it is more like being gummed or sucked.
3) The Chinese have never had a reliable postal system. You can put a 'tagged' dried duck into the Chinese postal system, and years later a Californian post-doctorate student will tell you where it actually got to.
On with the Competition...
#6 Tom Jones - young ladies still throw their panties at this Welsh Wabinogion when he sings, so there's hope for us all. Maybe $35 per used pant (no worries logistically, I got connections a website and a clothes-basket) and say four gigs a week at fifteen young ladies a stand, we're looking at erm well you do the math, I am the talent not the accountant.
#7 Has to be Piet and Tonny Kamper
And before you object that this is "Wimoweh" and not whatever it was we were doing,I say, they are troupers and I love them and...
#8 and it is the real Tom Jones and you can see how wonderful Swansea is at high speed or maybe that was Cardiff, or somewhere near Wales. God I am getting old and tired. I am sorry for my Life.
#9 Little Joanie Baez adds a touch of class and folk insouciance to this otherwise miserable and muddy struggle for survival
#10 Nice hat but has no idea what self-pity is about, also he gives the ending away. Hm. Who is Charlie Pride?
And the Winner?
Well that depends on the votes of you out there.
Trrrr trrrr trrr tapping of fingernails waiting for your votes to come in for some asshole or loser or other.
BING time up.
And the Results Are:
George Jones won, as was predictable from the start.
Piet and Tonny Kamper get Special Award just for not doing "Green Green Grass of Home" in a "Green Green Grass of Home" competition, and for doing it so well.
Readers: Woo-woo! What are th'prizes?
Prizes? Were you born yesterday or what.
Anyhows, the point of this here Competition is to decide who done the best "Green Green Grass of Home".
#1~ Could it be ~ your starter for 10 ~ George Jones --- or Jerry Lee Lewis?
Hokay. If you picked Jerry Lee Lewis then your concept of a "musical instrument" must be pohaps a lift (American: elevator) or a mall (British: shopping centre). Clue: neither of these are a musical instrument. Well they weren't in my day.
Couple of textual subtleties before I feed you the raw meat..."The old home place is still standing though the paint is cracked and dry" - but maybe only in the protagonist's imagination? Discuss.
"For there's a guard and there's a sad old padre with arm in arm will walk |at daybreak" - you were wanting to hear "|beside me" to rhyme with "padre"? Deny.
On with the Competition...
#2~ Great guitar-picker, but where is Chet Atkins going with this?
#3 Porter Waggoner - love the mellophones or whatever they are:
#4 Boris Godunov (no, not that Борис Годунов) and his "set old badre", and then the Sov U went and folded and all. Shit.
#5 Elvis. Wellll... bit like Frank Sinatra singing "Diamond Dogs" but there y'go.
Let's take a quick break from this exciting competition to consider a few Facts:1) Soup does not figure in any ancient text or mythology, and it was not a factor in the Renaissance: it is largely a modern or post-industrial concept.
2) The bite of Conscience, or 'agenbite of inwit' -as imagined by some Medieval thinkers - has proved not to be a 'bite' at all - it is more like being gummed or sucked.
3) The Chinese have never had a reliable postal system. You can put a 'tagged' dried duck into the Chinese postal system, and years later a Californian post-doctorate student will tell you where it actually got to.
On with the Competition...
#6 Tom Jones - young ladies still throw their panties at this Welsh Wabinogion when he sings, so there's hope for us all. Maybe $35 per used pant (no worries logistically, I got connections a website and a clothes-basket) and say four gigs a week at fifteen young ladies a stand, we're looking at erm well you do the math, I am the talent not the accountant.
#7 Has to be Piet and Tonny Kamper
And before you object that this is "Wimoweh" and not whatever it was we were doing,I say, they are troupers and I love them and...
#8 and it is the real Tom Jones and you can see how wonderful Swansea is at high speed or maybe that was Cardiff, or somewhere near Wales. God I am getting old and tired. I am sorry for my Life.
#9 Little Joanie Baez adds a touch of class and folk insouciance to this otherwise miserable and muddy struggle for survival
#10 Nice hat but has no idea what self-pity is about, also he gives the ending away. Hm. Who is Charlie Pride?
And the Winner?
Well that depends on the votes of you out there.
Trrrr trrrr trrr tapping of fingernails waiting for your votes to come in for some asshole or loser or other.
BING time up.
And the Results Are:
George Jones won, as was predictable from the start.
Piet and Tonny Kamper get Special Award just for not doing "Green Green Grass of Home" in a "Green Green Grass of Home" competition, and for doing it so well.
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