Immaculate Kitchen Surfaces

Moving from one place somewhere to another somewhere else, eh?

The only way to do this, in my experience, is to get as drunk as possible provided you can still carry bin bags from Point A (flat) to Point B (bins).

Don't worry about the swarms of insects impeding your path: they are either an hallucination, or a problem which the next occupant will have to live with.

Take some time to reflect upon the monstrous amounts of garbage that have accumulated during your occupancy.

Throw away the cards from family and friends you got when you were fifty - you were only fifty once!

Ignore the foreign language students who are having a party next door and who are younger and happier then you are.

'Part from that, remember to turn up where you are supposed to be tomorrow morning. You only have to "drag th'bag" once. For a while.

Normal Service

Thanks to the incompetence of my telephoon supplier I will be without an internet connection for the next three weeks.

Norman service will be resumed as late as possible, if ever.

Blue Lotion

Hi Everyone,

I am given a spray bottle with blue liquid in it to use for cleaning purposes. If the table top is dirty I spray the blue liquid on it and then wipe it off. Now I am out of the blue liquid, how do you I request for more? Do I say (1) I need more "blue liquid"?; (2) I need more spray blue liquid?; (3) I need more blue liquid cleaner? I pick choice number 3, what do you think? Thanks in advance.

In th'Stone Age (Early)

Æ®iç: I am a sausage.

ÐåãðøÞ: Wha?

Æ®iç: I walk upon one leg in the morning, upon one leg in the afternoon and upon one leg in the evening. What am I.

ÐåãðøÞ: A sausage?

Æ®iç:

ÐåãðøÞ: Great concept, but this "riddle" thing of yours needs a bit of tiddlying up.

Legend of the Wholly Drinker

Lose the "W"
And one of the "L"s
For "Drinker" read "Fool"
And my fourth is in

Readers: Your fourth?

Blottista: I never really understood how this parlour game works, which is maybe the point of parlour games.

Readers: Simple! - and we don't mean you of course.
Try this one ---

My first is in Constantinople but not in Reykjavik;
My second is loading my pistol with ball;
My third is better theen but not third;
And my whole is a doughnut without a synthetic custard or jam filling.
What am I?

Mine Host: Is the jam filling synthetic too?

Readers: Tee hee hee. He can't even get the punctuation right.

Blister: Hokay, my turn...

My first is in feeble but not in demented,
My second's surrendered but hasn't relented,
My third is my hat but it's not in my hut
And my all would be all if it only were not.
What am I?

Very Funny

Mr Suicide the bathplug. Perhaps not the exact model some semi-sentient Minister of State or other claimed for on th'Expensives, but it is a bathplug all the same. And what of it?

Take the worst totally outrageously expensively-claimey OUTRAGEOUS amount of money claimed on expenses by an MP for something hatefully bourgeouis like a patio heater, a fitted kitchen (with just to add to the fear and loathing POLISHED ITALIAN GRANITE WORKING SURFACES)... I want you to keep thinking of that number, k?

Now move the decimal point one place to the right.

At this moment 99.9recurring% of my potential readers (not my 1/2 doz. actual readers, who are supremely intelligent, I mean the British population at large) are fucked. Either they don't know what I am talking about or they have no idea how much 10x a number they didn't comprehend in the first place, actually is.

Or how it compares to the broad and placid river of EU peculation, or to the costo-benefito of building a lorra lorra luvly windmills (don't even try to mention th'megawatty stuff here) or to anything else at all. Or whether it matters or how things should be done or...

Give me your dopes, your dupes
Your huddled morons yearning to be heard,
The wretched refuse of your teeming fools...

If only the Ruritanians had accidentally carved that on a statue in 1886, or five years ago for that matter...

60000000th cretin: Hey, last person to leave Britain turn out the lights hur hur.
Readers: Yeah yeah a great and original jest, have fun in Ruritania, won't you.
Devil's Kitchen, Guido etc: Look, I fucking said that joke before you did you bastards.

What will this mindless petulance about MPs' expenses actually achieve or change, that matters a lot?

0

Now, concentrate on the decimal point...

Ask the Hedgehog

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
What is an easily available and reasonably effective oven cleaner?

Hedgehog: You could do worse than a can of Mr. Muscle.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Would combining Domestos, Harpic and Cilit Bang one bottle each totally get fuzz off of the bath? And limescale out of the lavatory pan? That's six bottles.

Hedgehog: You may only ask one question at a time on these forums. But I point out that this is a dangerous thing to do because of the chlorinous gases that would be created by such a combination of cleaning agents. Keep a window open.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Would it be a good plan to remove all my moveables before dusting, and then hoover? But then how do I get my hoover out (red Kenwood bagless 1600w).

Hedgehog: That is a fine bagless vacuum cleaner for the nøøb or "aspiring semi-pro", may I say. Yes, once your moveable property has been removed, you can dust all relevant surfaces and then dispose of the duster. And then hoover all surfaces onto which the dust has fallen. That achieved, it only remains to have at hand a suitcase which is larger than your hoover, so that you can fit your hoover into the suitcase. Remember that the snorkelly attachments are bigger than you think. Alternatively you can simply abandon the suitcase and travel by rail or aeroplane with your hoover in hand, but be careful about the sentimental bondings which may occur, including upskirts.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
What is the Russian for "vacuum cleaner"?

Hedgehog: пылесос, literally "suckdust". One might extrapolate from this the entirely bogus verb пылесосировать. It is clearly an "аппарат для очистки от пыли помещений, одежды, мебели и т.п. посредством всасывания ее струей воздуха". And yet one might as well say гувер or xувер: guver or khuver. What you will.

Edze Og Edze Og
Eh M Edze Og
Do cleaning products have a part in the olden-times Lays, Ballads, Eddas, Folk Myths, Legends, Songs and Tales of Yore..? I'm talking «comparative» here.

Hedgehog: I am only a hedgehog. I cannot and will not answer this question about cleaning products and /or or mechanisms.