Saturday, 11 April 2015

Brrroken Brrroadband Brrritain.

Hello. You'd think in 21st Century Britain that broadband, fibre-optic cable and ultra-fast internet communication could be taken for granted as a vital underpin to our economic future.

Well, you'd be wrong. We present Broken Broadband Britain, a nation where modern telecomms is limited to a few city centres and shocking swathes of the country are still forced to live in the olden days of yore.

Our first vistit takes us to Rockall in the deprived North West, and we meet Tavish McTavish McGonagall, who has established his hi-tech business hub in a disused Cold War bunker 100 feet below the surface.

To protect his anonymity we've changed his name and he spoke to us in Morse by banging a rock on the lower rungs of the access ladder. His code is transcribed by an actor.

"I had a good job and a big house in Manchester but the pace of life was just too slow and the city completely stifles innovation so I moved here to start up a truly dynamic future enterprise. It's just ridiculous. Fibre-optic hasn't even arrived yet and the wi-fi signal is intermittent to non-existent. No, I haven't called BT to complain. I don't have a mobile and how can I order one when I don't even have internet access? Well no I don't have a computer, how can I order one when I don't even have internet access? How am I supposed to build a dating-to-fux website without internet access? It's ridiculous in modern-day Britain and the Government should act immediately. Action this very day! What do you mean, there's no Government? What election?"

Tragically it's not just in  the North West that the Broadband Deficit is stalling enterprise and growth. Our next visit takes us to the vibrant South West and a buzzing new Silicon Valley on Bodmin Moor, and we meet Rupert St John Halibuthead, whose thrusting hi-tech business is run from a converted sink-hole.

To protect his anonymity we've changed his name and he spoke to us from behind a large stack of empty gin bottles using a scrambler device of his own invention which rendered his speech incoherent to avoid giving away tell-tale details. His ramblings are interpreted by an actor.

"I han a good job and a big flat big flat in Cam'n Town but the pace of life was jus too slow an the city completely stifles innovation. I moved here to.... yes. Yes. I moved here. Iss a taxi service bit like Über only the drivers have to be whores and there's a funh fleeen fully-stock minibar in every vehicle. Bloody good idea 'f you ask me. 'S jus farcical. I can't find the firbror firebrobole fibre-optic and I haven't even seen a broadban. The Government mus act immediately today not tomor today. Iss jus farcical. Whass you mean there's no Government?"

Next week we talk with a consortium of rail engineers whose plans for a hi-speed maglev train tunnel linking South Uist to the Scilly Isles, essential for Britain's economic survival into the 2020s, have so far been ignored by the authorities. Time is running out. More then.

Blogger's note: there hasn't been a run recently of utter retards hi-tech entrepreneurs who've relocated to places called St Leonard-under-Armpit or Grunty Hogben and are calling Radio 4 to whine about how feeble telecomms are thwarting their development projects and how the taxpayer ought to shell out and fix it. No, there hasn't. Because obviously your bleeding-edge telecomms wizard is no more going to set up business in an area known for shite telecomms than a boatbuilder is going set up shop in the middle of the Sahara.

Breaking News: Whispering Dunes BoatResh demands £38bn canal project to ensure survival of British economy into the 2020s. "It's just ridiculous in this day and age" spokesperson says.

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