Monday, 22 September 2008

Manifesto

A blood-curdling article from the Telegraph:

Pensioners are going to miss out on hundreds of millions of pounds of benefits owed to them under a government move to cut the time they get to claim tax credits [...] Ministers have abolished the 12-month period in which the pensioners can claim backdated pension tax credits and imposed a new limit of three months.

The rule change, which comes in on October 6, will affect 110,000 of some of the poorest pensioners many of whom are struggling with soaring fuel and food bills.

As a result, ministers believe they will be able to save hundreds of millions of pounds because claimants will not apply for payments in time.

What utterly loathsome & heartless bastards.

My own Government will abolish the tax credit scheme altogether, saving the taxpayer billions upon billions of quids as the public servants, computer systems and infrastructure involved in running the scheme become redundant.

We will instead commission 110,000 of the excellent Heath Robinson pancake-making machines illustrated above, for distribution in flatpack to the very poorest this winter.

At only 1 candlepower, the machine is economical on fuel (the coal in the scuttle is a counterweight, not to be burned on pain of death), more than offsetting the rising costs of egg, flour &c. The output is a hearty, warming and nutritious meal.

You may object that the machine itself is too complicated to be understood and used by the old trouts, but that is a technical point that applies in spades to the tax credit system itself.

The effect on Glooobal Warning will be minimal (far less than, say, a gas fire or stove) provided the old dears don't go and burn the coal.

Yes, a special task force of coal-scuttle inspectors will be needed to make sure the coal is not consumed, and apply simple on-the-spot death penalties to any old biddies who do so. But they will be paid out of local, not central, government taxation, so it doesn't really count. Also they will be low-grade morons whose only talents are for brutality and obstruction - unlike government ministers, public servants &c, so they will not cost a lot.

Unlike government ministers, public servants &c.

4 comments:

xoggoth said...

I will definitely vote for your government. (But only because electoral rules forbid me from voting for my own).

The "we will not raise taxes" from Darling can be taken with a huge pinch of salt in view of the enormous public sector borrowing and Labour's record. They have rarely raised taxes (in an open and honest way) in the last ten years, watch out for a lot more typical stealth tax grabs like this one.

Chertiozhnik said...

It would simplify things enormously if the Gubbunk simply took the remainder of our money and employed 100% of the population to work out what to do with it. Cut out the middleman, as 'twere.

I am not sure about having to wipe my bum on £20 notes for want of any double-ply quilted luxury softness but there would have to be a use for banknotes of some sort.

We could make bonfires of credit cards, sit upwind from the resulting plastic-laden smoke, and help the aged and lame by killing, cooking and eating them.

Pensioner shank tonight. Pensionertail soup tomorrow.

Start filing your teeth into points, Mr. X. You will need a penis gourd, and I would go for better-than-Tesco.

You don't want people saying, oooh I know where you got your penis gourd from, it was only from Tesco and anyway the feather on the end has already fallen off.

Ohara said...

I'm clapping the comments - although the post was of an excellent standard too.

Chertiozhnik said...

It's the little ordinary people of Britain I want to attract - and listen to.

Yes, I want to listen to 'em.

Please stand out the way, ma'am.