Saturday, 22 September 2007

Things I Suck At (1) : Parking

The only motor vehicle I ever had sole charge of was a giant motor mower the size and weight of a stretch limo. Green-painted wrought iron, hugely heavy and elaborate and with a seat and control levers that you might find on a Soviet tractor from the 1920s.

After two minutes of panic mowing I crashed it into a breezeblock building, having lost control on an unexpected slope.

We roll over and I die, or we go straight down the grassy knoll and take out the building. I went for the building.

The building contained about 300 low-grade civil servants who ended up going home an hour early (14:30, not the usual 15:30) and probably claimed millions of pounds in damages for shock, distress etc.

As for driving cars, let alone parking them, my approach is a straightforward military one: we break things and kill people. That's what we do.

I have yet to pass m'test and obtain a license.

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