Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Who Are We, After All?

Off for a midnight stroll down to the beach. Why? Just a midnight thought.

Back again.

"Could you give me change for..?"

"Why yes."

And three very fast little fuckers are away with my wallet before I can say Jack Robinson. Which I didn't.

Observations:

1) No, I cannot describe the fast little fuckers very clearly. The policewoman who took my order was sympathetic.

All early 20s. Slim. Five eight-ish.

#1 Dark face, very close-cropped curly hair.

#2 Blur.

#3 White face, short black hair, black facial hair of some sort. I think.

2) 00:20 heading north up St Aubyns, Hove, UK, at a run, onto Church Street. CCTV none... oh Nanny State, where are you when we need you?

Yeah, I know that is a pretty pathetic bundle'o'facts.

Had I gots a conceal carry license (and bear in mind I am old, slow, and surprised) I might have shot one of them before they all disappeared up the road and from sight.

Discussion: would the other six, seven holes in the parked cars have been worth the one possible hole in a bastard?

Not Discussion: there were no bystanders or other possible Unluckies.

Proof of the Existence of God
:

After a run after them, and a search for the discarded wallet in the street, I went home to report the robbery. And I hit the light switch and all the lights went out poimnent. Computer and one side light still going, rest of electrics totally fucked. Main fuse, probably, da, da. But where is it?

That is how I know there is a God. Because if there wasn't, He would have fucked my electrics exactly when it didn't matter so much.

And He would not have spared the side light, so I could see to read out the card numbers etc relevant to the theft. Or the socket for the comp.

I hope He left the hot water going, so's I can have a bath.

Interesting Times:

How interesting does it get?

I just sent off for a new passport. Three, four weeks?

I have never learned to drive. So no driver's license.

I have no other ID.

M'plastic (now reported stolen) has gone with the wallet.

I am resting between engagements, I have no employer.

And when my new bank and credit cards arrive, five or so days from now, I will have no way of proving they are mine.

So I will not be able to collect them.

Who am I? And how do I prove it?

And how do I obtain money and the means to live (crime is not the answer)?

What was in my wallet that they might make some use of?

Why me, why exactly at that moment?

Resources:

1 pot strawberry yoghurt.

£1.29 loose change in pocket.

1 planet (world my oyster).

---

Update:

Okay, probably the above is a bit panicky.

I have also: 4 bananas; tea, coffee; maps of Brighton; a copy of "The Perception of the Past in Twelfth-Century Europe" (ed. Paul Magdalino); a large plastic crow on a stick for frightening away pigeons; 22 cigarettes; a big penis and a plausible manner.

What could possibly go wrong?

---

Update #2:

19 cigarettes, rather less tea.

A lot could go wrong.

7 comments:

xoggoth said...

Gawd, glimpses of Mr C beyond the silly there! Commiserations, but could have been worse. I knew a chap got attacked in Brighton and they bottled him, last I saw of him he still had the scar in his forehead.

At least your life does not sound rather dull as mine is at mo, I think I will have to go and wander around in some rough areas. Also I have an extrely small penis, a highly implausible manner and no crow. (But I do have a little knitted penguin with a wonky beak)

Anonymous said...

Oh. Are you sure about your big penis, or these posts are novel way of increase in this part of a body?

OHara said...

Shite. Holy crumbling biscuits and bejesus!
I can't believe you fell for...
Could you give me change for..?"
They just wanted to see your wallet or purse.

My boy got asked at the bus station for the time. He doesn't wear a watch. "Haven't you got the time on your mobile?" they asked. "You wouldn't want my mobile" he said. "Let's see" they said.
He was right. They didn't want his mobile - obviously £20 from Argos wasn't what they were looking for.

I'm with xoggoth. It could have been worse. Thank God it wasn't.

Chertiozhnik said...

Mr. X, sure I'm sure, straight up (as 'twere).

Strangely, the crow on a stick and my penis have proved the least valuable assets in all this. I can see why Baden-Powell doesn't have much to say about such things in his Boy Scout manuals.

O'Hara, sounds like your boy is a milion percent more savvy than I am. I'll remember that story, psych myself up for next time.

I only had a couple of quid on me (which landed on the pavement), no banknotes and the cards I cancelled immediately. So the blighters didn't get a lot out of it, heh heh.

And as you both say, it could have been a lot worse.

Thank you for your thoughts!

Wickedred said...

well - I will agree that this is certainly proof of God's existence. But really - if you are left at the end with a bit of tea, 19 cigarettes and a big penis, you are well beyond the joy of most men.

Chertiozhnik said...

Hi, Wickedred. Tonight, my Cunning Plan having succeeded and my world being back on an even keel again, I am beginning to feel a little smug.

Oh well.

OHara said...

Not only do I agree with xoggoth but I also agree with wickedred - that is also true.
And my thoughts were heartfelt.

My boy is savvy enough simply because he was brought up in a world that contained his peers - and he'll tell you that most of them are scum. And then he will emphasise that a lot of people are good too.
(Because he fears being too judgemental).