Off for a midnight stroll down to the beach. Why? Just a midnight thought.
"Could you give me change for..?"
And three very fast little fuckers are away with my wallet before I can say Jack Robinson. Which I didn't.
1) No, I cannot describe the fast little fuckers very clearly. The policewoman who took my order was sympathetic.
All early 20s. Slim. Five eight-ish.
#1 Dark face, very close-cropped curly hair.
#3 White face, short black hair, black facial hair of some sort. I think.
2) 00:20 heading north up St Aubyns, Hove, UK, at a run, onto Church Street. CCTV none... oh Nanny State, where are you when we need you?
Yeah, I know that is a pretty pathetic bundle'o'facts.
Had I gots a conceal carry license (and bear in mind I am old, slow, and surprised) I might have shot one of them before they all disappeared up the road and from sight.
Discussion: would the other six, seven holes in the parked cars have been worth the one possible hole in a bastard?
Not Discussion: there were no bystanders or other possible Unluckies.
Proof of the Existence of God:
After a run after them, and a search for the discarded wallet in the street, I went home to report the robbery. And I hit the light switch and all the lights went out poimnent. Computer and one side light still going, rest of electrics totally fucked. Main fuse, probably, da, da. But where is it?
That is how I know there is a God. Because if there wasn't, He would have fucked my electrics exactly when it didn't matter so much.
And He would not have spared the side light, so I could see to read out the card numbers etc relevant to the theft. Or the socket for the comp.
I hope He left the hot water going, so's I can have a bath.
How interesting does it get?
I just sent off for a new passport. Three, four weeks?
I have never learned to drive. So no driver's license.
I have no other ID.
M'plastic (now reported stolen) has gone with the wallet.
I am resting between engagements, I have no employer.
And when my new bank and credit cards arrive, five or so days from now, I will have no way of proving they are mine.
So I will not be able to collect them.
Who am I? And how do I prove it?
And how do I obtain money and the means to live (crime is not the answer)?
What was in my wallet that they might make some use of?
Why me, why exactly at that moment?
1 pot strawberry yoghurt.
£1.29 loose change in pocket.
1 planet (world my oyster).
Okay, probably the above is a bit panicky.
I have also: 4 bananas; tea, coffee; maps of Brighton; a copy of "The Perception of the Past in Twelfth-Century Europe" (ed. Paul Magdalino); a large plastic crow on a stick for frightening away pigeons; 22 cigarettes; a big penis and a plausible manner.
What could possibly go wrong?
19 cigarettes, rather less tea.
A lot could go wrong.